you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
