Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
