Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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