You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
