What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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