Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
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