I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
i dont even know how to be here
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
