I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
