Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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