Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
