3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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