It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
so much tequila, so little girl.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
