watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
