I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I'm having to shit out rocks
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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