Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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