Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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