Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
