Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
