im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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