The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
