my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize