2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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