There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize