(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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