i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Randomize
