She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
