Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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