I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
