paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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