they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
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