There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
