im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
