I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
