Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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