chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
