Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
