Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
