No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
