i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
