I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
