Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
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