i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
