I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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