normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
