I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
