I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize