do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
