if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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