omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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