great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
