he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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