cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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