btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Randomize
