I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
try to milk me bitch
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
