I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
