Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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