I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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