So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
