i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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