Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
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